just a little mess

Hello.

Mood: in a weird state so can’t really define it.

Health: on the edge. ( kinda sick  but not really)

Weather: beautiful sky. And getting colder

 

Well the goal is that this blog don’t turn out to be depressed one.

Today I’m lazy person. Woke up, hang a little with him, went to the store with him and then home. Laid on a couch and fell asleep for like 2 hours. And then just more laying on the couch and searching through the web.  Just remembered he said I should search for fatboy slim I think and listen to his music a little. will do.

Tomorrow is her 21 birthday. Shit we’re getting old.

It makes me depressed! It’s like a poison to me. Don’t know how long I can’t take it.. Because one minute I feel like the happiest person in the world and the other I feel like shit. And then all this mixed signals.. I feel like a should go somewhere for some time and just clear my mind, create some kind of distance to realize what is really going on. I really don’t want to be the fool at the end of this road. I don’t want to get at that point that I won’t know how to get up. I refuse to get attacted so much. Because everything is just confusing and looks like I don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m feeling. But my feelings are real. And this is probably the first time I can really say that my feelings are strong and at this point I don’t see the escape but just a future which is the mistake probably. Hate it.

 

Okay I should end this blog because it turn out to be the way I really didn’t want it to be.

 

Bye

xoxo.

the wrong way.

So here I am.

Hey.

Long time no see/write?

My life is getting… I don’t know somewhere?  Finished the first year in college. Just waiting for one more last grade and preparing for the second and last year.

I’m not really sure if I want to write some things but I also feel like I should just get it out with this because eventually I will write about him. And maybe today / tonight is the right thing to do that.

He is … something before “officialy” being my boyfriend. And hopefully we will make it to that point. And i’m pretty sure we will because this what we have is something special and I enjoy spending time with him and I don’t know I have a good feeling but we are not there yet. I do not want to rush things. I do not want to jump into relationship without feeling ready for it. And kinda want to be sure that he is ready? I don’t know. Maybe i’m just scared and looking for a excuse so I don’t have to admit that maybe I really feel something. And maybe this is the first time I am ready to do it the “right” way. Slowly and not because I don’t want to be alone.

I feel like I am happy right now.

And I think this is it for this blog. Just some kind of update on my always crazy world which is not so crazy right now. Or it is but in a kinda good way.

The weird part of today: My best friend was at me and we were pretty nervous expecting the results of the last grade (which did not came yet) so we decided to do some meditation. Typed in youtube meditation for relaxing and the first video  really worked out for us but then when it was over (it lasted for 12 minutes I think) we had to find the other video which ended with me falling asleep and my friend not being relaxed and all. So it was not helpful for her and not for me. Even that it helped me at first  I felt asleep and had some really bad dreams so I woke up in some shock and kinda dizzy and I needed some time to fully wake up. It was interesting but I don’t think I will use that methode again.

 

Okay so i’m ending my blog now before I remember some other weird stuff to write.

Bye.

xoxo.

 

 

Be careful what you wish for

Waking everday with a little anger in myself. Can’t control my emotions anymore. I want to scream. But I don’t have a strenght to hide that.

It’s not funny pretending that you’re not what you are. It’s not fun fake smiling anymore!

Don’t have strenght to pretend anymore but I don’t have strenght to change that. And i’m walking in circle with no exit sign.

The whole life they teach us to be the same. They are teaching us that we can’t sucess by own rules. But how can 100+ sucess by same rules and at the same time? And how that the system is not wrong but if we don’t follow that system we are wrong?

I always was the kid in our family who was different. I was a rebel. I was living by my rules. Or without rules. My life was perfect. On somr weird twisted way or atleast in my fantasy. Maybe I was looking through pink glasses and I saw the life as a beautiful pink fluffy rabbit instead as rat in a testing labratory.

I miss my pink glasses right now because at every way I look there are some dark shadows waiting me to lose my mind and follow the crazy path of life. They’re gonna eat me alive and then throw me out as a shadow of myself.

Negativity.

Bye.
Xoxo*

Messy world

Lately my life got whole new meaning of complication.

A lot of people from my past are trying to come back in my life.
And I’m just here trying to figure if this is a good thing or not.

My week is very busy. And I don’t know if I am drowning or just accepting the fact that this is my new life.

At this point my life is full of suprises. And I think I love it.

Yes it is true that lately i’m kinda depressed, having anxiety attacks, wishing I could just disapeared, make some things easier, or just ignore them.

But I think I will be okay. 

Bye.
Xoxo.

P.s.
Just realize that today is one month since we broke up.
And now I’m kinda sad?
But happy?
Confused?
But again I will be okay.

The magic night

In the middle of the night she saw her future clear and bright, she saw a future she wish to have and the future that makes her laugh.

In the middle of the night her mind was lost in something she can’t explain. Maybe it was happiness or maybe it was not but something is there that keep her going, keep her alive and something tells her that everything will be and it is how it’s meant to be.

Easy way

Do I feel better about it or i’m just accepting how it is and just go with a flow and just taking the shortcut to way of happiness and satisfaction? Am I really that person that just adjust to what it is and not stand for myself? For what I believe in, for what I deserve?

Can you just go through life without complicating things without complaining and just accepting things just the way they are ? Because I think that I am doing this everytime when I should stand for myself, make a change and just speak. I shut down, I completely froze because I don’t like changes and they don’t like me.

It just the way it is.