Too much

Am I too much? 

Too much drama, too much cuddling, too much being in love and having the person who I can make happy with my support and just being there. 

Do I really know the difference betwen “love” and “crush”? 

I know I love him. Or I did love him. I don’t really know anymore. Can we love the person with the same feelings after this person really hurt you? Can we just forgive and forget? 

I was pretty sure I can do this. But now I am not that sure anymore. I am sure that I wanna make it happen again and make it better and just let the relationship grow but I am not sure that he still want to do this. Is he only bored and want me back? Am I temporary? 

I never believed that the thing with feeling buterflies was true. But I swear I did feel them. The first time we kissed after the break up. This was kinda shocking for me and not expected but okay. It happened and now I don’t know really what to do anymore. 

Should I stay or should I go? 

Am I yours?

Okay it’s time to write a blog. No “i’ll do it later”anymore. get real now! focus. 

Hey! how are you guys? 

Me?  let’s do a quick update..  

Weather: cold. / we hope for a snow./

Mood: not bad I guess

In love???!!! what 😮 ..
Can we just talk about that just .. not alot. I’m seeing this guy for like past 9 months? I met him in january. And I don’t know how much of you believe in this but I kinda felt something I can’t explain. Some energy .. I don’t know. And I wanted to see him again. And I did. And I was happy. And now he is kinda mine? can this be real? .. like for real I wanted him so much and some months later he was so close to me and I wanted him to be even closer and now I think we are so close and we are so good together and I still want to be closer to him.. but… I am me. I am imperfection. I am my mistakes  I am … not good? good but kinda bad ..  not influence but bad in the bad of choice. Like do I ruin things or they just like dissapear? I don’t want to lose him. I don’t dare to get so attached that there will be no escape. and my head is seeing red signs but I keep them in there and dream of green. I’m not making sense right now .  let’s leave it like that for now.. 

College is .  I don’t know not hard but busy and kinda energy taker. Working for almost like most of the day just school stuff.. it’s complicated… i’m not sure in it. 

Christmas and new year are close. excited? should I be? time flies so fast. I’m not keeping with my life anymore or I this is just a temporary feeling..  I don’t know. I’m excited for the snow. and the christmas spirit. happiness, family? I dont know. 
So this is it for today. Hope this blog is not totally random and some of you may know what I am talking about. 

Bye 

Xoxo. 

just a little mess

Hello.

Mood: in a weird state so can’t really define it.

Health: on the edge. ( kinda sick  but not really)

Weather: beautiful sky. And getting colder

 

Well the goal is that this blog don’t turn out to be depressed one.

Today I’m lazy person. Woke up, hang a little with him, went to the store with him and then home. Laid on a couch and fell asleep for like 2 hours. And then just more laying on the couch and searching through the web.  Just remembered he said I should search for fatboy slim I think and listen to his music a little. will do.

Tomorrow is her 21 birthday. Shit we’re getting old.

It makes me depressed! It’s like a poison to me. Don’t know how long I can’t take it.. Because one minute I feel like the happiest person in the world and the other I feel like shit. And then all this mixed signals.. I feel like a should go somewhere for some time and just clear my mind, create some kind of distance to realize what is really going on. I really don’t want to be the fool at the end of this road. I don’t want to get at that point that I won’t know how to get up. I refuse to get attacted so much. Because everything is just confusing and looks like I don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m feeling. But my feelings are real. And this is probably the first time I can really say that my feelings are strong and at this point I don’t see the escape but just a future which is the mistake probably. Hate it.

 

Okay I should end this blog because it turn out to be the way I really didn’t want it to be.

 

Bye

xoxo.

the wrong way.

So here I am.

Hey.

Long time no see/write?

My life is getting… I don’t know somewhere?  Finished the first year in college. Just waiting for one more last grade and preparing for the second and last year.

I’m not really sure if I want to write some things but I also feel like I should just get it out with this because eventually I will write about him. And maybe today / tonight is the right thing to do that.

He is … something before “officialy” being my boyfriend. And hopefully we will make it to that point. And i’m pretty sure we will because this what we have is something special and I enjoy spending time with him and I don’t know I have a good feeling but we are not there yet. I do not want to rush things. I do not want to jump into relationship without feeling ready for it. And kinda want to be sure that he is ready? I don’t know. Maybe i’m just scared and looking for a excuse so I don’t have to admit that maybe I really feel something. And maybe this is the first time I am ready to do it the “right” way. Slowly and not because I don’t want to be alone.

I feel like I am happy right now.

And I think this is it for this blog. Just some kind of update on my always crazy world which is not so crazy right now. Or it is but in a kinda good way.

The weird part of today: My best friend was at me and we were pretty nervous expecting the results of the last grade (which did not came yet) so we decided to do some meditation. Typed in youtube meditation for relaxing and the first video  really worked out for us but then when it was over (it lasted for 12 minutes I think) we had to find the other video which ended with me falling asleep and my friend not being relaxed and all. So it was not helpful for her and not for me. Even that it helped me at first  I felt asleep and had some really bad dreams so I woke up in some shock and kinda dizzy and I needed some time to fully wake up. It was interesting but I don’t think I will use that methode again.

 

Okay so i’m ending my blog now before I remember some other weird stuff to write.

Bye.

xoxo.

 

 

fake truth or harsh reality?

Feel so used. My feelings are .. something right now. Even if I don’t like them.

Hearing the news about him was like a knife right through my heart.  Of course I didn’t listen to everything but I heared enough to start dwelling on it and my head stuck on the idea that he was not who I think he is. But I saw him the same day and my heart hide the thought that he is a two faced idiot. And even the fact I will never know the whole truth I don’t think that I can trust him like before.

The summer of 2016 is … I can’t tell really. Little boring and not productive 😀

Now I have to go. Today plan: visit my family.

Bye

Xoxo*

Since ’96

Hello.
This is me.
All my flaws.
All my dreams.
All my hopes.

And today I am … I do not know the word for that. In a weird state where I choose to believe something that maybe is not true and it’s making me nervous,depressed,happy, confused…

Tomorrow i’m going to concert which i’m really happy about. Tomorrow I will leave all this confused thoughts at home.
That’s the only way I could truly enjoy in it.

My whole body is in pain. Screaming. Hoping to end this.
But I can’t yet.

Hoping,wishing,little bit dying.

Bye,
Xoxo

Mistake or a lesson?

Sometimes all I really want is someone to tell me if I am doing something I will learn from it or I am just doing mistake I’m going to regret.

But isn’t mistake also a lesson? Or mistake is not a lesson anymore after you do it once than twice?

I’m just scared stepping in this whole new world re-discovering myself, my needs, my wishes.

And I find out that I am a cat person and that I love kids. And I melt everytime I see cat/kid. Mostly when I see super cute baby. Which happens to be every baby.

Should stop worrying probably.. and forcing myself to think about the future. And making plans.

….Now i’m laying on cold hard ground…

Life is too beautiful to complicate things in your head. Things that meant to be complicate will be no matter what.

… trippin over myself …

Meeting new people. First time working in school restaurant. (Restaurant 7). Doing some things for the first time.
Exploring the world.

The sun is not shining today so my mind is going crazy sorry about that.

…you should go and love yourself..

I am still alive.
My life is not complete.
And I am happy because of that.

bye.
Xoxo.

The magic night

In the middle of the night she saw her future clear and bright, she saw a future she wish to have and the future that makes her laugh.

In the middle of the night her mind was lost in something she can’t explain. Maybe it was happiness or maybe it was not but something is there that keep her going, keep her alive and something tells her that everything will be and it is how it’s meant to be.